Raising Kids in Community
by Neshama Abraham Paiss
As a business executive who had spent very little time with children before having two of
my own, I was certainly not prepared for the ongoing demands and selfless role of parenting.
I grew up on Long Island, NY, as the daughter of two workaholics, and I knew I needed to heal
my emotional wounds. While I longed to spend more time with my children than my parents did
with me, I had no model for my ideals.
The solution came in an unexpected way. I married a man who is committed to the creation of
cohousing communities around the country. My husband, Zev, is the Executive Director of The
Cohousing Network (www.cohousing.org). These are resident developed and managed neighborhoods
where people know each other before they move in. Because this is my husband's life work, I
agreed to try it for two years&emdash;-with the understanding that we would move to a
"regular" home if things didn't work out. That was two and a half years ago, and I have now
come to appreciate many of the benefits of being a parent in a cohousing neighborhood. I have
found that the physical design, shared common facilities and the social structure of community
meals are a real advantage if you have children.
Our community, Nomad Cohousing, is located on a one-acre site about two miles from downtown
Boulder, CO, and a 10 minute walk from a lake and hiking trails. There are 11 households here,
including 18 adults and seven children -- our girls Zipporah and Halonah, are the youngest:
one and two years old, respectively.
As is typical in cohousing, our kitchen window faces a central courtyard where the parents
can watch their kids playing right outside their home. The families all contributed to buying
a playground set, and we have also jointly purchased other children's items.
The courtyard has become a central focal point for the children. Usually if one child is
outside playing, others are soon to follow. I've appreciated the convenience of spontaneous
playdates and the growing closeness of the children. And the courtyard is also a place where
other residents spend time with our children. While our two year old, Halonah, is social by
nature, I notice that she warms up to new people faster than other children with whom she
plays that don't live in cohousing. I believe she is more comfortable with adults because
she sees them regularly through our lifestyle.
Being able to just walk outside and have people to hang out with has been great for me,
especially when I've needed an "adult" conversation. And, there have been several times
when I've needed a break or a few minutes to get something done, and I have been able to
ask another resident to watch one of our children.
Like most cohousing neighborhoods, we have a Common House, similar to a clubhouse in a
condominium complex, where we offer community meals twice a week. Having a Common House
is a huge plus because few people have a living room space as large for holding events.
Our Common House has been the site of numerous kid-oriented events. I host a weekly Mom's
Support Group, a children's play group and music classes for young kids. I appreciate both
the convenience of not having to drive to children's activities that take place next door,
and that my daughters attend events in a familiar place where they feel comfortable.
Halonah loves going to the Common House for community meals where she gets to eat and play
with her friends. And, after a long day, it's a help to have someone else be responsible
for preparing and cleaning up after a healthy meal. It's also been a welcome relief when
a neighbor sees that my husband or I need a break, and volunteers to hold one of our babies
while we eat.
On the negative side, community meals have sometimes been tough for me. I have had to
contend with our two year old not eating very much and wanting to play before the other
children were done eating. Sometimes, she has been so stimulated from a community meal
that it's been an extra effort calming her down before bed.
However, what has posed the greatest challenge for me as a parent living in cohousing has
been needing to agree with others who have different parenting styles. Since we operate
by consensus, everyone needs to be comfortable with the decision. This has been difficult
when, for example, some people wanted to let the children jump off the furniture in the
Common House and I had safety concerns. We also have different standards for when it's OK
to bring a sick child to a community meal. Ultimately, we come to an agreement and,
although sometimes uncomfortable, working through our conflicts has made us closer. Plus,
through our conversations I've learned useful ideas from the more experienced parents.
Knowing your neighbors, which is a hallmark of cohousing, is both the best and most
challenging aspect of living in an intentional community. Overall, I have found life
as a parent in cohousing has made my life richer, though not always easier. I have
been offered social contact and support from other adults when I needed it. And I have
seen how well socialized our children are, which I attribute a significant amount to
living in a community. I look forward to the next 10 years watching how close, both
the adults and children become, as we continue to shape each other's lives.
Neshama Abraham Paiss is the owner of Abraham & Associates, a public relations firm
in Boulder, CO, where she lives in the Nomad Cohousing Community with her husband,
Zev Paiss, and her two daughters Halonah and Zipporah.
July 2000
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